CCRC staff therapist Anikó Blake is featured in this great article on how to merge households. Check it out!

https://www.redfin.com/blog/how-to-merge-households/

Mi Casa Es Su Casa: Expert-Approved Tips on How to Harmoniously Merge Households

August 10, 2022 by Hannah Tan

Whether you’re moving in with a significant other to your new apartment in Chicago or beginning life as newlyweds, merging households can be a big test for any relationship. From under-the-breath comments about questionable decorating choices to butting heads on different housekeeping styles, putting two individuals with years of having their own space together and expecting one happy home seems effortless in thought but complicated in practice.

However, before you throw in the towel and accept that the disagreements are all part of the process, there are organizational decisions you can work through ahead of time to pave the way for a smoother transition and achieve a harmonious household. We reached out to experts for their advice on making two households one, so you can learn to navigate the common challenges of combining households and be amply prepared before the big move.

Communicating and setting boundaries

1) Have a conversation beforehand to plan room schemes

Before moving into your new space, discuss and decide how to divide the spaces you’ll share — for example, addressing who gets which closet and which drawers in the bathroom or dresser. It’s essential to recognize that you will likely have your own organizational style and respect each other’s space. –happy.healthy.home.

2) Set the ground rules ahead of time

It’s important to have discussions on organizational expectations before moving in together. If you each have different preferences on how to keep your personal space organized, that’s okay; maintain respect for that difference. You can decide together which shared spaces are to be kept neutral (remember to clarify what neutral means) and what personal areas can be allotted to the person who does okay with less order. –Lovage Somatics Intimacy & Relationship Coaching, SEP

3) Be open-minded and get clear about your expectations

Before moving in, discuss your needs and what’s important about your home space. Try to think about what irks you the most about sharing space and work out compromises. Many people identify their “home” values, such as having a comfortable and organized space. What does that mean? One person can be meticulous and want everything in its place. Another can tolerate clutter person and not dirt or leaving dishes in the sink. 

For example, in my first marriage, my husband was very organized and neat, while I’m considered a “visual creative clutter” person. I like to see things out. We agreed that our shared space would remain neat and organized, and I had one room to be my “clutter or my stuff room” that I could keep as I saw fit. This was a room where the door could be closed so house guests would not see my stuff. But if you need extra help, seek out an organizer to help with combining households since they often have great ideas about how to set up a household in an organized fashion before moving in. Having a plan that both people participate in creating will help avoid any confrontations in the future.-Dating and Relationship Coach Amy Schoen –Dating and Relationship Coach Amy Schoen

4) Respect each other’s boundaries

Don’t move in and start moving things around where no one can find anything but you. Work as a team and respect your partner’s organizing style so this can be a happy and fun transition. –In Its Place Professional Organizing

5) Handle differences gently

Consider what helps you feel safe and comfortable in your home and distinguish between what you prefer and what you need. You may need the bathroom towels re-hung after use but how they’re hung is a preference. Make sure to discuss with your partner how you want to delegate roles and responsibilities in your home and create a proactive plan for when one of you may need extra support. Develop loving gestures that offer small but additive ways of caring for each other, such as making sure the cabinet is stocked with your partner’s favorite snack or your partner learning your preferred way of folding laundry. –Anikó Blake, LMFT | Chicago Center for Relationship Counseling

6) Communicate, communicate, communicate

Sharing space can be such a contentious issue. What’s important to you may not be important to your partner. Remember, they’re not mind readers, no matter how many times you think you’ve told them something. When you share anything (space, a snack, the playlist on the road trip etc.), we can’t always have it our way. Choose three things essential to you about shared space and clearly, specifically ask for them. Use “I statements” – this is how I feel and need. First, say why it’s important to you, and then tell your partner what behavior or action you need. Finish with “Will that work for you?”. Listen to what they need to accommodate your ask and listen to their asks. –Claudia Aronowitz Coaching

7) Shift your mindset 

Compromise is a bad word in the long run, so the trick is shifting your emotional center from your physical space to your personal habits and your very being. By making yourself your rock, you are better able to partner on the many decisions of organizing a home because these little things no longer matter as much for your emotional wellbeing. -Peter Kowalke, Kowalke Coaching

Preparing for the merge

8) Learn how to navigate each other’s preferences

The healthiest relationships are interdependent—maintaining an intentional balance between nurturing the relationship and preserving individuality. Cohabitating couples thrive when they apply a parallel model to their physical space, blending some areas or design aspects while creating spaces that support and celebrate each partner’s unique authenticity. –Aspen Relationship Institute

9) Edit your belongings and share responsibilities

Decluttering is always the first step to having a tidy and organized home. Only keep the things you’ll need in your new home and eliminate everything else. Also, take the time to find a home or place for every item when unpacking. This is a task that both partners should do so everyone knows where everything goes. Lastly, and most importantly, setting clear boundaries and expectations about chores and other household responsibilities will set you up for success. This allows you and your partner to be equally responsible for running the household smoothly and keeping it clean and tidy without burdening one partner with all the responsibilities. –In-Style Organizing

10) Be clear from the start about your dealbreakers and be flexible on the rest

Setting clear expectations helps avoid arguments and resentment later. Do I love that my kitchen looks like it was visited by the spirits in Poltergeist, with every cabinet left open every time my husband makes dinner? No. But I can deal with it because he is funny, smart, and a great cook, and he respects my actual dealbreakers, like not leaving wet food in the sink. I recommend deciding from the beginning who does what and when. Do you each do your laundry, or is it one person’s responsibility? How often does it get done? Who is responsible for putting it away, and how quickly do you expect it to get put away? –Custom Order Home Organizing

Merging the physical space

11) Commit to an easy-to-follow organizing routine

We all have different versions of what makes us comfortable in our environment; some may feel better with a surplus of items, while others may feel more comfortable with fewer items. What’s important is the ability to be organized individually and create a functional space with your partner where you both feel comfortable and stress-free. Getting organized with these strategies will improve your potential anxiety, organizing routine as a couple, and bring peace and organization to mutual areas. Try using space bags for off-season items in under-bed storage and color-coordinated hangers in the closet to create a visually appealing, space-saving closet. Also, keeping labeled baskets and creating a sentimental storage container for each person helps you to rid the clutter so that you can love your space. Implementing these techniques won’t cause a financial burden and will alleviate the difficulty of cohabiting in your relationship. –Organize Lite

12) Mirror shared spaces and downsize

Where possible, try to mirror shared spaces. For example, try splitting it evenly down the middle for items under a bathroom sink or closet and use labeled baskets to corral your items. Combine items that aren’t going to be used every day by putting backpacks, duffel bags, luggage, and over-the-counter medications in the same place. You can also utilize hidden space at the top or bottom of a closet, cabinet, pantry, or cubby to add inexpensive wire shelves which increase your organizational real estate. –Organize With Anne

13) Make labeling a habit

Labeling everything is the secret to maintaining an organization system when sharing a home. Everyone has a different idea of where things belong. By assigning a labeled home for your items, you take the guesswork out of where to put things back. Everyone returns the item to the same place, and no fights erupt over a cluttered or messy home. –SOS Home Organization

14) When in doubt, don’t be afraid to call in the pros

Opposites attract, including different organizational styles. Getting a neutral third party involved can sometimes save a relationship on the rocks over clutter when you’re at the end of your rope. The right professional organizer can set up functional, cohesive, and sustainable systems that are a happy medium for any couple. –The Grit Method